So what’s is really on my mind and going on in the world of mine? So much I feel and I wish it was just easier. Though I know Im blessed because I have been through way worse in my life.
I did an event yesterday and did Okay. I hope to make more sales at my events but I also know this time I was not prepared correctly. The events of the night before had me so distraught and distracted so I should’ve been prepping but all I kept on thinking about was what am I going to do with my dog. I have to give him because the landlord stereotypes him because of his breed as an aggressive dog but he’s the sweetest dog. I don’t want to give him back to the shelter because it seems like he was abused before I got him from there. Plus I don’t want them to kill him. Seems like all I ever get to love I lose, usually permanent but also temporarily. At what point will I be stable enough and keep all the things I love?
Now I’m also looking for a car. I can’t believe that man conned me out of 8000.00 dollars on a car that I can’t even use. I don’t know what to do when I don’t have the money to get around. If need be I will take the bus but as anyone in California knows it will be such an inconveinance especially when not many buses depart from around me. So much problems but yet Im humble enough to understand that not everything is bad. I got some help from the government on my rent and utilities so that I am truly grateful for. I’ve been applying for jobs since a month ago but get no call backs from sending my resume. If need be I will work at target or something but the real about that is I can’t even afford my rent on that type of pay and usually I don’t get hired because they have told me I’m overqualified and I will get bored. We’ll see I guess. I can only handle one day at time to see what I can handle each day.
I have orders to fill so I am also grateful that I still get orders besides doing the pop up shows I do, but I know that I can’t make enough to afford rent, bills and buy a car that reliable. Why are people so cruel to take my only money from my 401k and then stick me with a car that I can’t even use and leave me stranded? A part of me feels he did that to me knowing I’m a single mother and have no man to fend for him taking my money like that. It’s saddening and I won’t lie I do cry at times when I get frustrated with no car and know I don’t have the money for it also. I keep my faith in god that in his will there will be a car in my near future somehow.
As usual sorry for all the typos but I really just do this to vent and get my thoughts out so I don’t head into a bad zone.
I’ve encountered a bit of a personal dilemma. I was told on Monday that they think I won’t go back to work this year most likely. I will admit that I am disappointed in hearing that because I feel as if this is caused by the fact that one night my boss confessed a thousand and one feelings to me by text when he was in a state of drunkenness. Maybe I’m wrong but it just feels like to much of a coincidence that i responded the next day with “are you okay?” instead of a long talk about drunken state text. Anyhow, a couple of hours later I happen to get a call from a recruiter offering me an interview for the same pay but way less work. I am a big believer of all things happen for a reason but is this a sign for me to move on and out of the situation with a boss that has a crush on me?
Meanwhile in the rest of this so called quarantined life we live at this moment I have a child who is locked up with me everyday all day and I think this is starting to take a toll on us. I am a sarcastic person by nature but I also know that my sarcasm can be out of line at times and when I do overstep people’s boundaries and offend them with my words I apologize. Issue is now my young teen son is catching up with the family sarcasm but is not using it without seeming like a smart butt. It’s more on the irritating side and he doesn’t seem to know when to stop with the smart remarks so I have been a tad on the perturbed side most of the day for the last couple weeks. Is this the new norm now that this pandemic has created for people and what we are suppose to accept and deal with? Should I feel guilty that this is my own child and I feel this way most of the time now? The way I deal with it is I warn him to stop and then I just sit back and allow him to talk to him by me not giving a reaction. Doing it has led to apologizes to me but what is apologizes if the behavior restarts after a couple days of laying low? Let’s see what the next few weeks holds in store for this family though I must say that I am praying for all this to smooth itself out unless anyone else can give some helpful suggestions my way.
Woke up two days ago and was sad and heavy hearted and not sure why. I know I have things on my mind but I wasn’t too sure on why it was affecting me so strongly. Having to be locked up for quarantine is not doing me well, this I know. I’ve always been a bored indivdual so me doing the same dat after day is messing with my mental well being. Let’s be clear not in some crazy way just makes me sad some. I try to knock myself out of it by thinking that soon I will be back to work and also start school as well but it only works for a little bit and then the dark clouds seem to hit me again.
One thing I know that is making me heavy hearted is the fact that I spend time with a younger man. I am not one to hold anyone back on what is good for them but I feel I am too old for him and he should be enjoying his time with females his own age or around his age. I never understood the acceptance of way older men with young women but then then when it is the other way around then the women is labeled as “having a mid life crisis, desperate”. I know for me it’s neither I know a connection when I feel one and yes we do have a lot in common and just feels right. A lot of people confuse connections with lusting on physical apperance and I would be lying if I didn’t admit I have done that before in my past but now that I am older I like smart men. Maybe I’m being hard on myself and thinking that I am not worthy of being happy, not sure. I normally dont think like that but I just can’t seem to figure out why I almost ended it with the younger man.
The day went on and I felt overwhelmed with everything going on and my own thoughts. I didn’t know how to make it stop so I did the usual of playing fortnite and reading but I ultimately chalked it up to just being locked up is taking a told on my happiness. No bueno but hey its life and we have to roll with the punches. I almost did my usual and turn to have a glass of scotch but I earlier had watched a church service about is it right to live by gods word but yet sit there and drink alcohol instead of turning to prayer? Man life is hard with all these various things to think about just to live a normal life. Agggghhhhhhh….lol
Been off this site for a while and life has changed so much since then in a good way. As of today though we are still on quarantine and its the usual hum drum of fortnite, reading, motherly duties and fixing things around the house. I must admit quite a bit has been on my mind like when are we able to visit with family members that I haven’t seen since this thing started. The one I miss the most is my daughter. She came home from London and quarantined herself for 2 weeks but has been so caught up with school and other things that she has not been able to come over unfortunately.
The day shall progress and I’ve told myself that I have to stay positive regardles of how boring life is at the moment. I have gotten some loose ends sorted out and now I just look forward to class registration for summer session. One thing I’ve loved is the study of things, basically anything and just learning new things that I know can make me a better thinker and worker in any industry. As for the homeschooling forefront that is a whole different beast in itself because even though they shut down the schools they have to take into account the homeschooling is hard for parents who are not familiar with it and even harder for parents and students with special needs. This situation has tested my patience and has also shown me that I need to have more patience with my son and learn new ways to teach him so he understands the material and just doesn’t get by. His sister and mother have a love of school, studying and learning so I am working on different ways to keep him interested as well. So nervous for him to start high school next year and not be prepared on top of thinking where will he be going to school so he can excel. Time will tell. Now it’s time to start this day with chores and whatever comes my way.
Slept in till about 11:30 and that didn’t feel right, concerned maybe it could be I’m feeling a bit down because I have a tendency to sleep like that when I feeling under the weather. Guess time will only tell.
Today my son went with his sister for the day and I spend the rest of the day binge watching a show “the cleaner” and updating my resume though I think it might take me some time to finish the resume because its a huge task in itself with all the comments my cousin put in it…lol
Anyhow, so I received a phone call in the afternoon and to my surprise it was minor’s counsel. Safe to say that I get very apprehensive when I see his number on my phone because it usually has not been a good thing based on my history with him. To my surprise the call was made to me because he told me that my husband actually signed the papers for the divorce! Finally!!! I’m so shocked and confused on how I feel about it. My mind starts to race back to all the emotional pain and mental anguish that has been caused for 3 years with my son and to me for what I think no reason. I’ve WAITED for 5 years for this divorce and crazy thing is the marriage was only 9 years long. A part of me doesn’t want to get my hopes up high because in these past 5 years there has been so many rejections and issues with the paperwork to be finalized so I’m not to celebrate yet. I’m not to lie that it is bittersweet just as I was told it would be. It will be the end of a real relationship where I did care for the man but for my kids own mental sanity I had to walk away before his actions caused them more harm then it might have already. A lot of women would disagree with me and say that It was a marriage and I should have hung on longer than I did but not anyone but myself went through what I went through and only I can say what I feel is right for my own children.
In other places in my life, I’ve been spoken to as if I’m not trusted. One thing about me that can offend the crap out of me is being treated as if I’m not trustworthy especially when I’ve shown by actions that I do what I feel is only natural in establishing trust within any type of relationship. Man oh man it really pisses me off. I also do not like to explain myself and this situation had me explaining myself when I did it only cause I knew I was being honest but a while after I did it I was mad at myself because my trust worthiness should not be questioned if you want/have me in your life. Right? If you don’t trust me why have me in your life, makes no sense in my eyes.
Yesterday I woke up not really being in the mood to finish what I needed to for my class. I think I’m letting all these things affect me too much but in a weird way I know I can control it so I knock myself out of it till it creeps back up out of no where. Weird.
In the afternoon I worked on my assignment but chose to try the final first so I don’t run out of time like last time. 1st and 2nd time I missed 2 out of 30 and scored still high but by my final attempt allowed I scored 243 out of 250 and I aced my final and then right after I worked on my assignment which I didn’t do too bad on considering I didn’t do any of the 5 chapter readings. whoops. Though to my surprise the extra credit ended up being on bankruptcy which is the class I had finished the night before so I was happy and extreme confident that I should so well on this final assignement that was worth so many points.
On another note I’ve spoken just a tad bit here and there to people but not much besides my buddy Cap who I don’t mind speaking to cause he’s always upbeat and blunt on advice and words he offers. I also did reach out to the sheriff of course to no words. Normally I lose feelings quickly to men whom don’t keep in touch but because of our friendship I have in a way given up but in a weird way haven’t also. I know it makes no sense but I can’t describe it either it’s just a feeling. I have a cousin in DC who reached out to me about schooling, gotta love that guy. He had me call him and during the conversation he brought to mind a lot of things I already know and live by but since I respect his talks with me I really heeded his advice. “Stay proactive not reactive”, funny that’s EXACTLY what I always tell people and I don’t take my own advice this time. He also mentioned advice that my father had spoken to him that I do remember he told me growing up that I never listened to “Don’t let people know your business and what you have going on”. He’s SO correct in that because I know all people in my life are truly supportive and have the best for me in mind. Hence, what happened at work. I do for the most part keep most to myself except for a select people but see I one time tell an outsider whats going on my life and it caused so much damage to my life. Lesson Learned for real!! I’m so glad to have that cousin in my life and he reminds me of my fathers spirit and personality so much. Maybe, my father had taught him so much as he was young so he can be there for me when he wasn’t going to be able to be. Maybe…..
All-in-All the day ended well with a lead to job that might possibly be offered to me. We’ll see but hey at least even though I went through all this I finished school strong. Many thanks Lord for helping me through this.
Yesterday was “bring your kid to class day” at least for me it was. So much in my mind racing all day and I had a final in one of my classes. I didn’t study, tried but couldn’t accomplish it cause of all the other things like finding a job kept repeating in my mind. I asked the teacher kindly if it was okay to bring him in and because of the heat she said it was okay as long as he stayed quiet because everybody would be testing. I must admit it may be little to most people but acts like that mean a lot to me because it makes realize that there are compassionate, understanding people around me. As for the final, I think I did well, I guess. I’m actually relieved to have finished the class regardless of whats been going on. Where I go my son goes with me.
On another subject, work. I received a text from the angel who referred me to the last job in New Mexico I had to turn down. Seems they referred me to a lady whom I was going to call today because she always tried to place me with positions before but I was working already. The lady whom called spoke of a position at a refinery nearby with a low pay. I told her there was no way I could take that rate and explained that if I would need childcare it would not cover that and living expenses. (Good ole california). She asked whats the lowest I can go and said she will inquire since that rate is 10.00 more an hour. While at school she responded and said that it was good to go and she would send my resume over and I should hear sometime next week. I’m not trying to be negative but at so much has gone wrong that I can’t even be positive about it. I’m just worn out at this time, emotionally wise.
To be completely open at this time my main is concern is my sons’ happiness. I don’t want this kid to stress or feel my stresses so I try to hide but we live in such close quarters at this time that I can’t hide it regardless of how much I try to . Last night when we left school I stayed quite on my way home which is not my norm because I am a music fanatic but I had so much I know I have to get done and especially today being the last day for my 2nd class, I have to finish strong. My son looks over and puts his hand on my hand gently and says “mom are you okay?”, that gentle touch and the sincerity of my son made me tear some and I fought it but told him “I’m good son, don’t worry about me I just have things to do on my mind”, he replied with “mom relax everything will okay”, all I could say is “I know babe, Mom won’t let it be any other way”. That gentle touch and words made me think of how I really have to work on letting my son see my worry. Crazy thing is I think I already did well hiding it, guess not. I have no choice but to make things right for us. Though I will say that 1 thing keeps repeating in my mind and that is how I failed my daughter. I can’t take her to London because of this situation and regardless of how much anyone can tell me she understands I still feel I failed her by not being able to be the one to help enroll her in school in Sept. Sucks.
Any comments or advice, please feel free to leave I do like to hear views from others.
This morning I woke up not sure of how to feel. I’m assuming it’s called mixed emotions because I’m sorting my thoughts as well as curious to how today will go in school with my final exam in site.
Again I received no answer to my additional income that I asked for and I did send my resume to 2 jobs but I know it will be different seeing my resume outside of the refinery world. They would not understand my wide background I have and why I’ve changed jobs so much. Guess only time will tell how this all pans out. I last night made a decision to stay to myself. When I am in this state of mind I prefer to keep to myself to sort out everything and not add additional stresses to myself. Self preservation at this point.
Woke up and started my studying for my class to finish tomorrow and will study later on with a girl from my class for tonights test. So that is the plans. My little man will go with his sister for while I’m at school and I do like that idea so he can be around a carefree environment and keep enjoying his summer. If I thought my life was boring before it’s about to be even more boring now.
I am grateful that my teacher for one of my classes didn’t fail me out because I couldn’t afford the book for the class. Instead she told me to register for another 2 weeks of free access to the books online with another email and even told me to re-try a test that I did not score well on. I must say that I am appreciative that even though I lost my job at least one thing it did not touch was my schooling because that is what will set up my future with my kids. Good luck to myself on my final exam.
I was still a mess yesterday and it was because I had to tell my daughter that I could not accompany her to London for the beginning of her school year. I feel like a failure as a mother in that sense and regardless of what anyone tells me that thought will stay in my head for a while. She says she understands but I know she really wanted me to go with her. Luckily she’s been blessed with a great father who will take my place. For that I am grateful….
I can’t help but to look at my son and think why can’t I just get it right for him. He should be living a carefree life as a 13 year old boy instead he is sitting there constantly asking me “mom are you okay” and of course I have to tell him yes. He knows though and the fact that I know he misses his father and now my stresses he senses are becoming a hard reality for me. These are the times I wish my father was around to listen and give advice. Why do I feel that he would’ve helped me feel better about all this and believe me I’m trying to on my own.
I still have to be mom and not allow him to do things he’s not suppose to but as teenage boy I must admit he is a good humble loving soul by default. If I did anything right it was to have these 2 incredible children I have. Now he sits on the floor pouting because he wants to get on the internet but I took it away from him because of his slight attitude he had earlier. I will say that a part of me wants to let him get on the internet because I know we live in a small apt and he gets pretty bored being right in my face all the time especially when I can’t give him attention because I am studying. These are times I wish I had a male figure in his life (as my daughter asked) but what Am I to just be with a man so he can have a male figure around. Nah, I’m good, Ill wait till the time is right and I have whom I need and want to be around my children.
I need to get to the point where all is stable in all ways, well as I thought it was a couple weeks ago. Now due to this so many things have came into perspective about people around me and what I do and chose to have around me and my son. No no not anymore snakes in the grass…..
So I’ve been told from about 3 different people today about how “people can be real evil and about themselves when it really comes down to it.” Yes, I’m aware of that as well but I thought I had gotten those people out my life at least for the most part. Obviously I was wrong. Funny how now come to think about it out of nowhere I happen to get 3 people that were toxic come out like snakes in the grass all last week. One being my ex, whom we know is no good for me at all and all the sudden wants to have dinner with me. Then it’s an ex-friend that I stayed with end of last year whom out of no where accused my little brother of stealing his stuff and when I said to talk to him directly I don’t want to get involved he goes off on me calling me a c**t, saying that I’m an embaressment to my dead father and thank god he”s dead so he doesn’t have to see how I am, that my kids are fucked up and on and on. He basically said anything that can hurt me but funny thing is it didn’t. People whom are irrelevant in my life don’t matter none to me. I stay in my lane. Then is women whom acts to be my friend and actually gets me fired from work for doing a 12 minute test. So is God testing me or keeping me in line somehow? I know there is a lesson for all that happens in my life but I still can’t figure this one out.
Im done struggling and crying and being sad. I’ve cried pretty much all day yesterday and night out of nowhere and then I tell myself “hell no, stop this it will not solve anything” yet I can’t stop the tears when they come. I can’t get out of my mind how this has affected my life so much. I have to move within a month with no job now. I had to tell my daughter I can’t accompany her to school in London because I dont’ know if I will have the money and now my main concern is income. I wasn’t concerned about having so much food here at the house cause I was constantly on the road for school and work so Noah ate at my moms or we ate out but now we are home and what am I to do? I was suppose to get him in tutoring and now I can’t do that either. I just don’t get it when I thought my life was getting better all the sudden I get slapped back again and this time the slap affected every part of my life.
I can only do what I can do and even though I have tears I can’t control at times I still will try to figure out how to continue my schooling and find a job and keep those certain services out my life before I can recover from this blow. I can just do me…..whatever that is at this time.
It has been so long since I’ve written in this blog though at times I say I’m going to and never do. Story of a lot of people’s life right? Putting things off.
So much has occurred but I guess the main reason I’m on today is because I at times wish I didn’t have a heart as I do. I’m literally tearing as I type this and it’s because I feel so guilty but don’t think I should, should I?
Yesterday I received a text message asking if I could allow my son to be in his cousins wedding (my exes niece). I don’t know why it hurts me to the point that I am tearing right now that I said no and I felt I had good reason. That girl (at the time 25) sat in my child custody hearing and was ready to tell the judge that I had been living in a car with my son which was obviously a lie just so my ex can get custody of our son. I felt so hurt by that girl because when I was married to my ex I was the only one she confided in to tell me how bad her mother treated her and she was going to sit across from me and lie in court. What bothers me the most is how can family that does not even try to check on my son ask for such a big favor after all the pain they caused in child custody court against me. One thing I will mention is that my son’s father is in prison for the next 7 years and has already been in there for 2 years for something not related to me so there has been no contact with any of his side. My own son who is now 15 said “they never ask for me or look for me”, “I don’t want to see them right now”.
Why do I feel so bad that I said no? Initially I was livid because I thought how dare them ask after all they did in court against me with their false lies. How dare them ask when they haven’t even tried to check on my son. All this just to show face but then again I know not all but a lot of the samoan families are like that. There is a lot of brushing under the rug and move on and never talk about it stuff going on. But me, nah after the horrible 3 years I had (which is a novel in itself) I’ve learned that even though I try to keep a kind heart that not everyone will respect that and will try to take advantage of it. So why tear up? I’m confused.
I apologize for the bad grammer but I’m just venting….
In other news I just got an email a couple hours later saying that I was accepted into a huge vendor event at the rose bowl that includes 120 food trucks and ONLY 15 vendors. I’m am so excited and feel so blessed to be one of the 15 chosen vendors or hundred of small businesses. I needed that good news after all I’ve been feeling.