Could It be real?

Slept in till about 11:30 and that didn’t feel right, concerned maybe it could be I’m feeling a bit down because I have a tendency to sleep like that when I feeling under the weather. Guess time will only tell.

Today my son went with his sister for the day and I spend the rest of the day binge watching a show “the cleaner” and updating my resume though I think it might take me some time to finish the resume because its a huge task in itself with all the comments my cousin put in it…lol

Anyhow, so I received a phone call in the afternoon and to my surprise it was minor’s counsel. Safe to say that I get very apprehensive when I see his number on my phone because it usually has not been a good thing based on my history with him. To my surprise the call was made to me because he told me that my husband actually signed the papers for the divorce! Finally!!! I’m so shocked and confused on how I feel about it. My mind starts to race back to all the emotional pain and mental anguish that has been caused for 3 years with my son and to me for what I think no reason. I’ve WAITED for 5 years for this divorce and crazy thing is the marriage was only 9 years long. A part of me doesn’t want to get my hopes up high because in these past 5 years there has been so many rejections and issues with the paperwork to be finalized so I’m not to celebrate yet. I’m not to lie that it is bittersweet just as I was told it would be. It will be the end of a real relationship where I did care for the man but for my kids own mental sanity I had to walk away before his actions caused them more harm then it might have already. A lot of women would disagree with me and say that It was a marriage and I should have hung on longer than I did but not anyone but myself went through what I went through and only I can say what I feel is right for my own children.

In other places in my life, I’ve been spoken to as if I’m not trusted. One thing about me that can offend the crap out of me is being treated as if I’m not trustworthy especially when I’ve shown by actions that I do what I feel is only natural in establishing trust within any type of relationship. Man oh man it really pisses me off. I also do not like to explain myself and this situation had me explaining myself when I did it only cause I knew I was being honest but a while after I did it I was mad at myself because my trust worthiness should not be questioned if you want/have me in your life. Right? If you don’t trust me why have me in your life, makes no sense in my eyes.

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Just as Mi Papi would say

Yesterday I woke up not really being in the mood to finish what I needed to for my class. I think I’m letting all these things affect me too much but in a weird way I know I can control it so I knock myself out of it till it creeps back up out of no where. Weird.

In the afternoon I worked on my assignment but chose to try the final first so I don’t run out of time like last time. 1st and 2nd time I missed 2 out of 30 and scored still high but by my final attempt allowed I scored 243 out of 250 and I aced my final and then right after I worked on my assignment which I didn’t do too bad on considering I didn’t do any of the 5 chapter readings. whoops. Though to my surprise the extra credit ended up being on bankruptcy which is the class I had finished the night before so I was happy and extreme confident that I should so well on this final assignement that was worth so many points.

On another note I’ve spoken just a tad bit here and there to people but not much besides my buddy Cap who I don’t mind speaking to cause he’s always upbeat and blunt on advice and words he offers. I also did reach out to the sheriff of course to no words. Normally I lose feelings quickly to men whom don’t keep in touch but because of our friendship I have in a way given up but in a weird way haven’t also. I know it makes no sense but I can’t describe it either it’s just a feeling. I have a cousin in DC who reached out to me about schooling, gotta love that guy. He had me call him and during the conversation he brought to mind a lot of things I already know and live by but since I respect his talks with me I really heeded his advice. “Stay proactive not reactive”, funny that’s EXACTLY what I always tell people and I don’t take my own advice this time. He also mentioned advice that my father had spoken to him that I do remember he told me growing up that I never listened to “Don’t let people know your business and what you have going on”. He’s SO correct in that because I know all people in my life are truly supportive and have the best for me in mind. Hence, what happened at work. I do for the most part keep most to myself except for a select people but see I one time tell an outsider whats going on my life and it caused so much damage to my life. Lesson Learned for real!! I’m so glad to have that cousin in my life and he reminds me of my fathers spirit and personality so much. Maybe, my father had taught him so much as he was young so he can be there for me when he wasn’t going to be able to be. Maybe…..

All-in-All the day ended well with a lead to job that might possibly be offered to me. We’ll see but hey at least even though I went through all this I finished school strong. Many thanks Lord for helping me through this.

Ho Hum is the end of yesterday

Yesterday was “bring your kid to class day” at least for me it was. So much in my mind racing all day and I had a final in one of my classes. I didn’t study, tried but couldn’t accomplish it cause of all the other things like finding a job kept repeating in my mind. I asked the teacher kindly if it was okay to bring him in and because of the heat she said it was okay as long as he stayed quiet because everybody would be testing. I must admit it may be little to most people but acts like that mean a lot to me because it makes realize that there are compassionate, understanding people around me. As for the final, I think I did well, I guess. I’m actually relieved to have finished the class regardless of whats been going on. Where I go my son goes with me.

“Bring your kid to class day”

On another subject, work. I received a text from the angel who referred me to the last job in New Mexico I had to turn down. Seems they referred me to a lady whom I was going to call today because she always tried to place me with positions before but I was working already. The lady whom called spoke of a position at a refinery nearby with a low pay. I told her there was no way I could take that rate and explained that if I would need childcare it would not cover that and living expenses. (Good ole california). She asked whats the lowest I can go and said she will inquire since that rate is 10.00 more an hour. While at school she responded and said that it was good to go and she would send my resume over and I should hear sometime next week. I’m not trying to be negative but at so much has gone wrong that I can’t even be positive about it. I’m just worn out at this time, emotionally wise.

To be completely open at this time my main is concern is my sons’ happiness. I don’t want this kid to stress or feel my stresses so I try to hide but we live in such close quarters at this time that I can’t hide it regardless of how much I try to . Last night when we left school I stayed quite on my way home which is not my norm because I am a music fanatic but I had so much I know I have to get done and especially today being the last day for my 2nd class, I have to finish strong. My son looks over and puts his hand on my hand gently and says “mom are you okay?”, that gentle touch and the sincerity of my son made me tear some and I fought it but told him “I’m good son, don’t worry about me I just have things to do on my mind”, he replied with “mom relax everything will okay”, all I could say is “I know babe, Mom won’t let it be any other way”. That gentle touch and words made me think of how I really have to work on letting my son see my worry. Crazy thing is I think I already did well hiding it, guess not. I have no choice but to make things right for us. Though I will say that 1 thing keeps repeating in my mind and that is how I failed my daughter. I can’t take her to London because of this situation and regardless of how much anyone can tell me she understands I still feel I failed her by not being able to be the one to help enroll her in school in Sept. Sucks.

I’m trying….

Any comments or advice, please feel free to leave I do like to hear views from others.

Is this mixed emotions day

This morning I woke up not sure of how to feel. I’m assuming it’s called mixed emotions because I’m sorting my thoughts as well as curious to how today will go in school with my final exam in site.

Again I received no answer to my additional income that I asked for and I did send my resume to 2 jobs but I know it will be different seeing my resume outside of the refinery world. They would not understand my wide background I have and why I’ve changed jobs so much. Guess only time will tell how this all pans out. I last night made a decision to stay to myself. When I am in this state of mind I prefer to keep to myself to sort out everything and not add additional stresses to myself. Self preservation at this point.

Woke up and started my studying for my class to finish tomorrow and will study later on with a girl from my class for tonights test. So that is the plans. My little man will go with his sister for while I’m at school and I do like that idea so he can be around a carefree environment and keep enjoying his summer. If I thought my life was boring before it’s about to be even more boring now.

I am grateful that my teacher for one of my classes didn’t fail me out because I couldn’t afford the book for the class. Instead she told me to register for another 2 weeks of free access to the books online with another email and even told me to re-try a test that I did not score well on. I must say that I am appreciative that even though I lost my job at least one thing it did not touch was my schooling because that is what will set up my future with my kids. Good luck to myself on my final exam.

I was still a mess yesterday and it was because I had to tell my daughter that I could not accompany her to London for the beginning of her school year. I feel like a failure as a mother in that sense and regardless of what anyone tells me that thought will stay in my head for a while. She says she understands but I know she really wanted me to go with her. Luckily she’s been blessed with a great father who will take my place. For that I am grateful….

This little boy

I can’t help but to look at my son and think why can’t I just get it right for him. He should be living a carefree life as a 13 year old boy instead he is sitting there constantly asking me “mom are you okay” and of course I have to tell him yes. He knows though and the fact that I know he misses his father and now my stresses he senses are becoming a hard reality for me. These are the times I wish my father was around to listen and give advice. Why do I feel that he would’ve helped me feel better about all this and believe me I’m trying to on my own.

I still have to be mom and not allow him to do things he’s not suppose to but as teenage boy I must admit he is a good humble loving soul by default. If I did anything right it was to have these 2 incredible children I have. Now he sits on the floor pouting because he wants to get on the internet but I took it away from him because of his slight attitude he had earlier. I will say that a part of me wants to let him get on the internet because I know we live in a small apt and he gets pretty bored being right in my face all the time especially when I can’t give him attention because I am studying. These are times I wish I had a male figure in his life (as my daughter asked) but what Am I to just be with a man so he can have a male figure around. Nah, I’m good, Ill wait till the time is right and I have whom I need and want to be around my children.

I need to get to the point where all is stable in all ways, well as I thought it was a couple weeks ago. Now due to this so many things have came into perspective about people around me and what I do and chose to have around me and my son. No no not anymore snakes in the grass…..

People are really Evil

So I’ve been told from about 3 different people today about how “people can be real evil and about themselves when it really comes down to it.” Yes, I’m aware of that as well but I thought I had gotten those people out my life at least for the most part. Obviously I was wrong. Funny how now come to think about it out of nowhere I happen to get 3 people that were toxic come out like snakes in the grass all last week. One being my ex, whom we know is no good for me at all and all the sudden wants to have dinner with me. Then it’s an ex-friend that I stayed with end of last year whom out of no where accused my little brother of stealing his stuff and when I said to talk to him directly I don’t want to get involved he goes off on me calling me a c**t, saying that I’m an embaressment to my dead father and thank god he”s dead so he doesn’t have to see how I am, that my kids are fucked up and on and on. He basically said anything that can hurt me but funny thing is it didn’t. People whom are irrelevant in my life don’t matter none to me. I stay in my lane. Then is women whom acts to be my friend and actually gets me fired from work for doing a 12 minute test. So is God testing me or keeping me in line somehow? I know there is a lesson for all that happens in my life but I still can’t figure this one out.

Im done struggling and crying and being sad. I’ve cried pretty much all day yesterday and night out of nowhere and then I tell myself “hell no, stop this it will not solve anything” yet I can’t stop the tears when they come. I can’t get out of my mind how this has affected my life so much. I have to move within a month with no job now. I had to tell my daughter I can’t accompany her to school in London because I dont’ know if I will have the money and now my main concern is income. I wasn’t concerned about having so much food here at the house cause I was constantly on the road for school and work so Noah ate at my moms or we ate out but now we are home and what am I to do? I was suppose to get him in tutoring and now I can’t do that either. I just don’t get it when I thought my life was getting better all the sudden I get slapped back again and this time the slap affected every part of my life.

I can only do what I can do and even though I have tears I can’t control at times I still will try to figure out how to continue my schooling and find a job and keep those certain services out my life before I can recover from this blow. I can just do me…..whatever that is at this time.

It’s never-ending crap…it seems

Saturday morning and it’s been a trying week for myself. Yes, I know, I know a lot of people do have bad weeks as I did this week but this week in particular has put a damper on just my self, with these unfortunate events.

Tuesday, I was started right after work on a extremely long bankruptcy filing at the bookstore and continued on at home with absolutely no sleep all night. Yes, life as a college student that is and no complaints here though the lack of sleep was crazy especially when I ended up in class making jokes left and right to the point that the professor called me out and said “Joy sure is on one tonight with her jokes and laughter”. What can I say I love to make people laugh and Im finally comfortable in class to where I’m confident enough in subject knowledge.

Thursday rolls around and what occurs….got fired from work. Why, because one malicious doing person decided it was their business to report to my boss that I had done a test at work the day before even though the test only took me 12 mins to do and it was during my lunch time. Yes, I could’ve spoken up more about it but at the end of the day I don’t want to be where I am not wanted if my boss didn’t think to just give me a warning instead of firing me. I had a lot of mixed emotions on it and most of all it pissed me off because it made me realize I still attract toxic people in my life. I had been iffey for a couple of weeks about this one paticular person because of her racist comments but my naive butt always thinks the better of one even when they have shown different to my face. One advantage I did think of right away is that I will have more time to spend with my son while he is out for summer.

Friday come and goes. Got up first thing in the morning and thought to myself “I gotta handle my things and not let this get me down”. So I got up went and took care of some stuff at the dmv and then headed to the good ole Dr. Fis*** to inquire about restarting receiving some income as soon as possible. The ladies at the office felt bad once they asked what happened with my job and processed my paperwork asap for me. Bless their little hearts. Talk on and off throughout the day with some ladies friends of mine whom were checking on me and supporting me (gotta love them) and also spoke with a lady whom has a job to offer me and said “i really like your personality and attitude” so we will see what comes of that.

After all this has occurred a thought came to mind that I have to keep my guard up and stop always thinking the best of people because at the end of the day there are still snakes in my grass and they keep popping up in my life especially this past week. First Jon***** asking me for pics and to go out for dinner and then Angel’s sorry ass whom accused my brother of stealing from him and then spoke badly about my kids, father, siblings and my heart. I don’t know whats wrong with people and why they decided to mess with people whom do not contact them or bother them in the least. The craziest part is that the women whom told on me I was always there for her and when she had issues I even went so far as to give her a women’s prayer book to help her through it. Crazy huh? She texted me the next say instigating the situation and I responded back with “take care” and blocked her.

As for the other part of my life. Yes, I’m still crazy about my sheriff guy though I feel pretty bummed out that he’s not there as he use to, I know I have to be understanding about his life and that he is starting a new career but I would be lying if I didn’t say that simple texts saying he’s thinking of me or the likes would make me feel better about all. Crazy part is meanwhile I have that handsome business man from up north professing his likes of me and making our little bit of conversations out to be that I was confiding in him and the so on. I laugh and blocked him and he called me from his work phone the next day after sending me a looooong text saying that he really cares for me and why did I block him and so on. Craziness I say.

Surrendered all my social media because I just want to be alone. I’m not very trusting of many people at this point besides the ones whom truly show they care for me. I know it’s not a way to live but it’s self preservation at this point for peace of mind and the soul follows.